lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize