i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
All the doctor said was why
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
