Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
