the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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