i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize