It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
