I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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