i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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