I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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