omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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