dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
