I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
