her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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