what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
