i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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