I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
