dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
