It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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