I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
