In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
