Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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