Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
