why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
