I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
