never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just found a bag of teeth...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
