Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
