I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
