I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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