More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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