at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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