Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Help. Why am I so naked?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
