so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
