I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
