First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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