I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
