I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
