She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
