it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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