I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
