I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
