I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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