Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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