If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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