If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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