He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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