If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
