I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
