half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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