So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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