I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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