he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
