That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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