i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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