Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
we're so committed to being not committed
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
