Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize