The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
All the doctor said was why
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
