naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
