I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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