At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
