May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
