opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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