Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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